JOKES and such....

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

What Conservatives Stand For

Limited Freedom...

...of religion: The Christian tradition is what makes America strong.
The government should support Christianity and make its policies in a
manner that supports conservative Christian values.

...of speech: Citizens have a right to responsible exercise of free
speech. Speech which is indecent or damaging to the public morality =
should not be protected.

Limited civil rights: In general, discrimination based on race is
wrong, but private businesses should be allowed to discriminate if they
want. Civil rights laws are an overstepping of government authority.

No public education: Education is not a right. The government should
provide each family a credit so their child may attend the private or
religious school of their choice.

Limited tolerance of Differences: In general, any behavior or way of living that is different from the majority is suspect. Minorities may be tolerated if they make a concerted effort to fit in and hide themselves. This limited tolerance does not extend to homosexuals, who ought to face severe social and legal sanction.

No Social Safety Net: A social safety net of any type is not necessary. It is each individual's responsibility, not the Government's, to look out for themselves and deal as best they can with whatever circumstances or bad luck they may encounter. Religious charities ought to provide any needed social services.

Limited Employees' Rights: An employer may set the conditions of employment however he or she wishes. The employee has the choice to take it or leave it. Under no circumstances should employees organize for better working conditions. Individual employees may simply quit if they do not like their place of employment.

No Environmental Protection: Protecting the environment is simply not
needed. It is more important to sustain expanding economic growth at all costs. It is simply a waste of resources to protect the environment. The free market will protect our air and water.

Limiting Families: The traditional nuclear family (working father, stay-at-home mother, children) is to be encouraged at all costs. Other
forms of family do not deserve any respect or legal protection.

Free Enterprise: The capitalist economic system is the most efficient
solution to providing for peoples' wants and needs. Government has no
role in the economy except to get out of the way.

...most importantly, Order:    Conservatism is based on order.
Traditions should continue. It is the responsibility of people in
society to live in such a way that society stays ordered. Ordered
Christian liberty is what America should encourage.

Republicans in Hell --

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is
met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
Republican head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the
Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The
doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.   
In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very
happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and
reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.   They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican
head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to
cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before
he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The
Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and
caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable".

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"