Helping people die

KatDoe67,

I am sorry for what you and your loved ones are going through.  Put yourself in her place for a moment.  What would you want others doing for you?  It depends on her level of consciousness.  If she is alert, you can bring her magazines, read to her, play card games etc... If she isn't able to do much you can comb her hair, massage her hands or feet, that really feels good. Any kind of human touch feels good.  It's comforting for both the giver and the reciever.  You can hold her hand, retell memories, things you shared together or as a family.  You can share a photo album.  My heart goes out to you.  Dying is never easy.  She is lucky to have someone like you at her side who cares so deeply.  I'm here for you as well.  Peace.

Ann E.

Yes, I think telling your loved one it's OK, is the way to do it. My mother died of lupus 8 years ago and on her death bed she appeared unconscious, but i went and whispered in her ear, that we were all there and if she wanted she could let go.  She opened her eyes and smiled and that was it. 

I am very sorry for your loss Kat, it is very hard when it drags on for days, you can really be torn over your feelings.  Hang in there.

[QUOTE=cccc]And this is what we will all face.... Telling a loved one or ourselves - with love - that it is ok to let go, to exhale the final breath. QUOTE]

My friend Mary (name's changed), 34, was dying of cancer and had been, essentially in a coma for 4 days.  No response, no talking, nothing.  She goes into Cheynes-Stokes breathing and the hospital calls Bill, her husband to hurry over.

He gets there and gets into bed with her, holding her and starts telling her that it's ok, just let go.

Wham! Her breathing evens right out, she opens her eyes and looks at him and goes, "What! Don't you go telling me it's ok to go! I'm not going anywhere!"

Mary stuck around for another two weeks pretty much unresponsive.  One night, doing the overnight with her I was just conversationally chatting, as if she could hear, when all of a sudden, she looks at me and starts talking.  Two things she wanted done:  "Please tell Bill not to tell me to let go" and "Please ask the priest to stop annointing me every morning - I was annointed once already and it's really bothering me that he comes in here to do it everyday."

It's kind of stuck with me over the years.

I lost my oldest daughter, Shannon, in 2001, to a car accident.  I know all there is to know about "loss". 

We all lose loved ones.  It's a sure bet we are going some more of them.  That sucks ass, really sucks ass.

Siameselade and Bannor, thank you both for sharing opposite sides of the "let go" comments. That one is a hard call.

Pebbles, I understand what you are talking about when you say it's an honor! I'm still trying to digest all that happened. I'm trying to start writing my speech for the funeral...and I have SO much to say about the 4 days. It was a life changing event for me, that I think will continue to reveal new understanding to me for years to come, like peeling back layers of an onion.

Nanny was a Drama Queen, and she was in pain and she was scared, so people kept drugging her, but she fought the drugs SO hard. She had things to say! As time goes on and I have time to think, I'm realizing that some of what she had to say was important and not drama that could be dismissed as Nanny being up to her old tricks.

Very little of the decisions were in my control. Mostly all I could do was hold on tight and look in her eye and interact with her one on one, but as an inlaw, the decisions were not mine. I'd NEVER say much to my inlaws as it's NOT my place, but I told my husband and sons that we need to learn some things from what we saw and make sure that WE never cause a repeat performance when WE are in charge of such decisions.

It was funny to hear my mom in law say she died peacefully :-0 Yeah she had been drugged to the point she was totally incapable of putting on a show...and was only semiconscious...but I felt like her spirit was still struggling SO hard and that just made it harder because I was trying to talk nonstop to her with so little feedback on things like whether to tell her to let go. I don't know if it was my imagination, but I just felt like she was desperate and frightened out of her mind.

I know she was ODed on morphine, and am SO thankful that she was. She died during "Portuguese Party time" as I call it. During convenient time, all the Portuguese ladies come and hold a bit of a bedside party. The problem is that none of them are able or willing to do the nightime vigils. Early in the morning I told the Nurse that I was getting into MAJOR trouble getting the nightimes covered and that NOTHING would be worse than for Nanny to die alone, and just with me wasn't going to be much better. She died in "portuguese Party Time" as she would have wanted to.

For all of you with recent losses...I'm SO sorry :-( For me who is still a bit numb from from....well a life time of "sucks ass" stuff, I don't really grieve for those who are gone. It just during the actual dying process and the funeral that I am a MESS. People think it's about LOSS, but it's not. I just get PISSED off at how things are handled and I go through the death WITH the person. It's about THEM not ME. Not sure how to explain it. It's just kinda like I become merged with the dying person till it's over, and I feel THEIR emotions, even though I've pretty much lost the ability to feel MINE.

My husband says the funeral "is about the living". BULL S**T! I can NEVER manage to do that. I can be such an A** about funerals and put on my own show when the dying person's wishes are being ignored. It's the ultimate betrayal to me. The person is TOTALLY incapable of defending themselves at that point. Me who is SUCH an unemotional person can...be quite emotional and it kind of freaks people out to see me so out of character. They try to comfort ME and they just don't get it. It's not about ME.

We need to HONOR the dying and dead. We need to try and almost become one with them as they make the transistion. It's not about US. It's about THEM. The more we can be one with them, the more we can do things THEIR way. If we are going to grieve we can do that later. I'm kind of sad to say I don't grieve. As much as I'm so...there...during the transition phase...I'm over it when it's done...and I just keep the good stuff.

God help me for the next few days! It's NOT my place to make waves but D***IT why can't they just do what she asked and planned for DECADES???? She was a Drama Queen. Just let her have her last party the way she wanted it! Who cares of it's not all nice and tidy and modern and whatever :-0 Drama isn't tidy!!!

OK...sorry...this post is WAY too much about ME and MINE. We still haven't really addressed the SPIRITUAL part of dying which is VERY important to many of the DYING. How do we learn to become prepared to meet the spiritual needs of the dying!

I think I need to learn to sing a few hymns and maybe also a couple comforting secular songs. I KNOW there is more we can do to be PREPARED. Some of us are more focused on finding a way to cook without eggs that we are in being prepared to help someone die in THEIR comfort zone!

How many of us can say the rosary? Now compare that to how many people are comforted by that in their last moments. It's not about US and OUR beliefs. It's about THEM and THEIRS. Are we READY to kinda merge with person and be there mind, body and soul for them while they weaken and lean so heavily on us. The more they fade, the more we need to hold them up, until they let go. Are we ready for that temporary merge.

I don't know what else o call it :-0 That place where you lose youself. All of youself and it becomes ALL about THEM. Are you READY to do THAT! You can be a bystander or you can be a part of it. My mom calls the bystanders "wallpaper". As Pebbles said it's an honor and it is. I felt like sometimes I was "wallpaper" and know in certain circumstances I'd even be MORE of "wallpaper" than I was with a Catholic woman. I don't EVER want to feel that useless again. It hurt the dying and therefore it hurt me as I was trying to merge with that person. Part of this is ME being selfish as much as wanting to be more of a help.

If I'm going to become one with someone, I need to better prepared for BOTH of us, or I'm hurting right along with them :-0

DR Pepper, THANKS! Good tip! Good tip even for dealing with a child with a bad cut!

Pebbles, LOL about "wallpaper". That's my mom's term for people who line the walls during an emergency and wait for someone ELSE to do the dirty work. I wasn't a part of the decision making...but I was CERTAINLY right in there getting my hands dirty. I kept asking if I was in the way and if any of the "wallpapers" wanted to take over...and they didn't :-0 I just sometimes felt because of my lack of prep, that I too was being a "wallpaper".

There isn't much place in a deathroom for an audience :-0

Yeah...I have my general inlaw stuff...but when it comes to dealing with the nitty gritty of sickness, I just ask what they want me to do...and they certainly always have a job for me. I usually just look for the absolutely worst job and offer to do it.

It's easier to scrub toilets and deal with the sick...than to party with them and that is for SURE. The hard part is often the supposed "fun" stuff.

I'm sorry for your hubby :-( So true for so many families.

My greatest fear of death is knowing there are people sitting around my bed, hoping I'll take my last breath, just because they want to be relieved of the inconvenience of me. I think I'd rather die alone than to be wanted dead!

I deal with death and dying every day as a human being working with people with disabilities. Some of the mostheartbreaking scenes involve individuals who lack tha capacity to understand what is going on. Parents with children with disabilites are often the most tragic. I can share a story about a man who's son had down's syndrone and who was very  scared of his son not being provided for in his life care.  I was able tp bring him a level of peace to the family . As someone who knows about the horror stories about neglect by siblings and the risks of placing persons in a nursing home, we worked with the father and got a decl put on place for him to live in a low income housing complex ,  He is now 45 years old and living well, The  dying father was so glad that someone stepped in and Walter was able to die knowing that his son is doing well,